By Evan Ackerman

If I had a shirt like this, I’m sure I’d be happy as this strange looking boy is. Totally Absurd Inventions insists that this is an actual US patent, although I haven’t been able to find it on the USPTO website, so I can’t do much besides relate what they say about it:

The Gerbil Shirt wraps your torso in plastic tube passageways, making your bod a super highway of fun for Binky and Bart. The interior surfaces are textured for traction and have air vents for easy breathing.

The inventor suggests you can clean the Gerbil Shirt by attaching it to a faucet (remove pets first please), and you should avoid collisions and falls that could cause pet panic.

[ Patently Absurd ] VIA [ Neatorama ]

By David Ponce

You want to scar your little one for life, then let us suggest this bright yellow UFO Cap Umbrella from Korea. It’s not quite a raincoat. And it’s really not an umbrella. You might say it’s a little bit of both, but that’s being generous. The product page pitch will have you believe it’s convenient, folds into a small, easily carried bundle and hey, leaves you with your hands free to do whatever. But don’t fall for any of this. What you’d really be purchasing is a yellow, PVC kick-me sign for your kid. He’ll remember this in therapy, trust us.

Incidentally, if you’re cruel and actually want to go ahead with a purchase, well we can’t quite figure out how much it is as no price is listed on the website. It’s not like we’re going to make it easier for you to torture your child anyway.

[ Product Page ] VIA [ Neatorama ]

By Evan Ackerman

See this bracelet? It’s telling you not to do drugs. Well, not you, since you’re mature enough and intelligent enough to make those kinds of decisions for yourself. But the youth of America are a bunch of clueless and impressionable… You know… Youth… and they only really pay attention to social messages they can turn into bling.

The Sound Advice Project wants you to talk to your kids about drugs, and to make it easier on you, they’re offering you a bracelet to bribe them with. The bracelets are custom made, and the arrangement of beads represents a sound wave that you record. The Project wants you to say something positive and about drugs. Er, yeah. But you don’t have to, as far as I can tell, and you can use the six seconds to make up a physical, wearable incarnation of whatever phrase you’d like.

At only $18, it’s not a bad little geeky gift idea.

[ Sound Advice Project ] VIA [ BBG ]

By Evan Ackerman

Keeping your eyes open all day can be such a painful chore, and you deserve some relief. The Eye Vibrato is a mask that provides heat, vibration, and four different intensities of pressurized air to relax your eyeballs. Plus, the mask blocks out ambient light, meaning that you don’t have to spend the time and effort actually closing your eyes at all. It’s $64 on Amazon Japan.

[ Ever Sweet ] VIA [ DVICE ]

By Evan Ackerman

Two pairs of shoes is two shoes too many with this pair of convertible high tops that unzip into flip-flops. Seen at the “Bread & Butter” fashion trade show in Barcelona.

[ Reuters ] VIA [ Neatorama ]

Dear David,

For next year’s CES, I have some demands. First, a suite at the Wynn. Near the top, with a good view and an open bar. Second, one of those Hummer stretch limos to drive me to the LVCC with a license plate that says OG4EVR. Third, a bulletproof vest that I can wear on the show floor. The Jack Ellis press vest is “designed to provide media representatives with distinctive and comprehensive protection” and is “ideal for extended use in higher risk environments,” and will (hopefully) protect me from being stabbed by PR crazies with USB drives as well as from the impacts of out of control toys. There’s no price listed, and I’m sure it’s not cheap, but I’m worth it, right?

…Right?

Your faithful editor,

-Evan

[ Jack Ellis ] VIA [ RFJ ]

By Evan Ackerman

No word on how many stuffed bears gave their lives to make this coat, or how your children will react if you wear it, or how much it costs. But, damn… Who comes up with this stuff?

The same people who brought you the headless chicken duck lamp, apparently:

Um, can I have some of whatever you guys are on? Please?

[ Sebastian Errazuriz ] VIA [ Neatorama ]

By Evan Ackerman

Humans are tropical animals. We really aren’t designed for cold weather, and we have to wear impractical amounts of clothing to go outdoors in the winter when you get much beyond the 23 degrees of latitude. So instead of wearing five extra layers, it makes a lot more sense to just wear one extra layer that provides all the heat you need. Venture’s line of self-heating fleece jackets and pants contain integrated single-sided heat pads that’ll keep you toasty warm, even in ridiculously cold places like Canada.

Venture jackets have a heating pad in the back, and two across the chest. The heating units themselves are barely noticeable in the fabric of the jacket, but from what I could tell when I tried it out, they’re quite powerful. Although you do have to carry a battery pack, it’s lithium and doesn’t weigh much, and there’s a remote control that lets you select the temperature for each heating zone individually. You should get 5-10 hours per charge, and you can recharge the jacket from a standard wall outlet. Venture also makes fleece-lined heated cargo pants if you need a head to toe solution.

The jackets are all high quality outerwear, and it shows in the price. Expect to pay $150 – $200 for one.

[ VentureHeat ]

By Evan Ackerman

We saw prototypes of LG’s wristwatch cellphone at CES last year, and believe it or not, these are actually going into production this year. The design is finalized and the software is nearly ready to go, and it’ll hit Europe in Q2 of this year for an unspecified price. It’s going to Europe first because LG doesn’t have to worry about carrier monopoly there, but they say it’ll get to the US sometime this year for sure. It’s got quad band GSM, 3G, a touchscreen, Bluetooth, voice recognition, text to speech, and basically everything you’d expect and want in a functional phone that you can wear on your wrist. If I didn’t already have an iPhone, I’d go nuts for one of these.

Pressy, after the jump.

LG Unveils First Market-Ready 3G Touch Watch Phone

Full touchscreen, video calling and voice recognition in an elegant, wearable package

Seoul, Korea, January xx, 2009 — LG Electronics, a worldwide technology and design leader in mobile communications, will officially unveil the world’s first market-ready Touch Watch Phone (Model: LG-GD910) with 3G Video Telephony (VT) service and GSM Quadband Network capabilities.

This chic, wearable phone is a follow-up to the prototype that LG introduced at Consumer Electronics Show (CES) 2008 and includes a number of upgrades, including a full touchscreen interface, 3G capabilities and video calling. Most importantly, this watch phone will actually be available for purchase.

“Our new 3G Touch Watch Phone is stylish, sophisticated and the height of technology, but it’s also undeniably fun. How else can you reenact those scenes from your favorite sci-fi or spy movie?” said Dr. Skott Ahn, President and CEO of LG Electronics Mobile Communications Company. “The Watch Phone also demonstrates LG’s technological leadership, proving that we can bring all the components in today’s most advanced mobile phones down to a very small scale.”

At first glance, LG’s new Watch Phone appears to simply be a high-end timepiece. The company used materials and stylistic elements found in watches from top manufacturers to ensure that people will be comfortable wearing it for any occasion. The Watch Phone has a curved tempered glass face, high quality metal casing and is a mere 13.9mm thick.

The Watch Phone is as technologically advanced as it is stylish. It is the first touch watch phone in the world to feature 7.2 Mbps 3G HSDPA compatibility, enabling high-speed data transmission and video phone calls using the built-in camera.

LG did not sacrifice functionality in favor of size and the Watch Phone is fully capable of sending text messages, making phone calls, and, of course, keeping accurate time. This is all achieved using the phone’s touchscreen interface on its 3.63cm (1.43-inch) screen and LG’s intuitive Flash Interface.

Voice recognition features, which can be used with or without a Bluetooth headset, make it easier to place calls and look up contacts. Text to Speech (TTS) reads text messages and other information out loud for even greater convenience. The phone also includes stereo Bluetooth and a built-in speaker for playing back music files. A large phonebook and scheduler help with organization.

“This Watch Phone is the result of a great deal of research and development, something that is very important to us at LG. We will continue to invest in creating innovative new products and technologies like this and setting trends in the mobile phone industry,” Dr. Ahn said.

The 3G Touch Watch Phone will be first unveiled at the CES 2009, being held in Las Vegas from January 8 to 11. At the show, LG will demonstrate some of the Watch Phone’s main features including its Flash Interface, MP3 player, Voice Calling, Text messaging and Text to Speech. The phone is set to go on sale in Europe sometime in 2009.

By Evan Ackerman

This little piece of spy equipment is something that could possibly make that Bond James Bond guy a little jealous, if his watches weren’t consistently endowed with badass weaponry. If you’re more the passive surveillance type as opposed to the lasers and sonic disintegrators and garrote wires and kicking ass and ordering pretentious drinks and getting the girl type, then I pity you, but the Secret Agent Camcorder Watch may be right up your nonthreatening alley. It has a pinhole camera hidden in the number 2 on the face of the watch, with a little mic on the side. The camera captures 352 x 288 full color AVIs for up to 2 hours nonstop before the battery goes dead, and a USB port on the side of the watch allows convenient offloads. The camera can also take VGA (640 x 480) still pics, and the 2 gigs of onboard memory can be used as data storage. And it even works as a watch!

The trick to this is going to be getting the camera and the microphone pointing in a relevant direction without snapping your wrist in half, and I imagine it takes quite a bit of practice to pull it off while simultaneously not looking like someone trying to slyly point their wrist at something.

The Secret Agent Camcorder Watch costs a nickle under $200.

[ BrickHouse Security ] VIA [ Neatorama ]