By Evan Ackerman
“At 22 feet long and 11 feet tall, this Jurassic-sized replica is the largest sculpture we have ever offered! Realistically sculpted with rows of menacing teeth, a fearsome tail and scaly skin, our prehistoric artifact is cast in quality designer resin and hand-painted with powerfully convincing color and texture. This display-quality sculpture transforms any home, garden, restaurant or hotel into something truly magnificent!”
This description, and this sculpture, are so full of fail that I don’t even know where to begin. These people obviously didn’t do their homework on the Tyrannosaurus rex, and in fact didn’t even look at any illustration made in the last 40 years. First, it should be Cretaceous, not Jurassic. And not even early Cretaceous… We’re talking Maastrichtian stage (65 to 70 million years ago) as opposed to the Jurassic, which ended 145 million years ago. Second: “rows” of teeth? Sharks have rows of teeth, a t-rex has a row of teeth. Third, while “scales” may technically describe dinosaur skin, it’s really more of a pebbly texture, which you can clearly see in fossilized dinosaur skin imprints. It’s hard to really comment on “convincing color and texture,” but this poor guy looks awfully drab, especially considering recent discoveries of feathery, stripey little dinos.
The most egregious error, of course, is the posture. If a Tyrannosaurus rex stood upright like that, it would dislocate its hips and practically crush its own spine under the weight of its head. This has been known since the 70s. I mean, come on, who in their right mind would want such a terrible mockery of a dinosaur sitting out in their yard? The only, and I mean only, possible use for something like this is to place outside your neighbor’s bedroom window at 2am and then tap on the glass. Does that justify the $7500 you’d have to spend? Uh, not even close.