By Evan Ackerman
This “all purpose office mini tool,” which includes a calculator, stapler, scissors, and measuring tape in one silver and questionably svelte case is from an era where physical manifestations of work actually exist in the real world, which is no longer the case… All of those jobs that involve manipulating physical objects have either been shipped overseas or farmed out to robots. Cutting and stapling paper? Archaic! Measuring things? I scoff at measuring! The only size that’s relevant anymore is whether or not something is too big to fit on my flash drive. So instead I propose that this office mini tool should be redesigned with the following four useful features:
-Flash drive with built-in compression software to render measurements of size irrelevant
-Calculator that returns answers only in binary
-Foreign language translator to assist you when you go overseas to get your job back
-Anti-robot taser (good luck with that)
And there you have it, the office mini tool that might actually do you some good. The old version is $10, and my new version will likely cost quite a bit more, but that’s the price you pay for progress.