By Jonathan Kimak
Once again Father’s Day is upon us. And while Mother’s Day has the honor of being the day with the highest phone traffic, Father’s Day has the less honorable distinction of being the day with the highest rate of collect phone calls.
It’s also safe to assume that most of you haven’t yet bought a gift for your dad yet, because here you are, one day (and depending on your time zone maybe just hours) away from father’s day and what are you doing? Browsing our site. But fear not, for you can look here and make your father happy or at least less grumpy if you follow some of these suggestions.
The traditional gifts…
You might be thinking that the standard presents of a tie, socks, tie rack, socks or different colored socks will always be the best gift for dad and will be the standard for many more millennia. Yet, just like the kid in the back of class who is twice the size and age of everyone else, those gifts are doomed to perpetual failure.
So you must move from the clothing section to the gadget section.
It will still be a delicate art to find the perfect gift for your dad. The gift giving process for father’s day is like a dance… well maybe something more manly. Let’s say the process is like a wrestling match between the heart, the mind and the wallet to find a gift that will stay out of the garbage bin for at least a month, evoke a good feeling in dad and leave us some money for our own gadgets (shame on you for smiling at this).
So I’ve made a list of the good and the bad to help you find a gift for your dad. Find them all, after the jump.
: Clip On LED Lights for glasses
If that picture alone does not convince you that these would be a bad idea then you probably need glasses(with lights on them). It probably didn’t help that they hired the glasses model from Creepy Guys with Mustaches Incorporated.
Seriously, when would your dad wear these? In the dark, reading a book? That’s fine until he looks over at your mom and goes from looking like a loving husband to being a feature story on Dateline Wednesday.
[ Product Page ]
Ok, I won’t get into another bad gadget right away. I’ll balance it out by showing you a good idea for a gift.
: Levitating Picture Frame Accessory and Floating Base
This actually looks pretty neat. Anytime I see something just floating there I feel a little mystified. There are other things that can be levitated by the base, space shuttles, globes etc. But the picture frame is great for father’s day and for you because you can put your own picture in it and then your dad will see you every day, floating. Eventually your dad will be so convinced that you’re a Jedi that he’ll never ask you to take out the trash again.
On the off chance that your dad doesn’t think that, at least you still get to see yourself levitating in a manner more realistic than David Blaine.
: Gun Shaped TV Remote Control
From the seller:
Blast through the channels with this sharp-shootin remote control! Program it to move up or down one channel at a time, control volume or any other singular function you choose.
People love guns, people love remote controls. Put the two together though, and you get something that only Elvis could love. This isn’t even a remote control that happens to be in the shape of a gun, it’s a toy gun that happens to have a circuit board inside. You pull the trigger to change channels and it makes gun fire sounds.
But hey, it comes with a Sherriff’s Badge. If you did get this just pray that there aren’t other guns in the house that this gets confused with.
[Product Page ]
: The De-FIB-ulator Portable Lie Detector
This little device measures voice tension and can determine if someone is lying with 65% accuracy. After a few baseline questions it’s able to tell whether your dad’s coworker really did have a wild weekend in Vegas or a sad Saturday watching cartoons in his underpants. It can also be plugged into a cell phone so that dad can find out once and for all if Verizon reps really DO care about his call.
There is a downside to this product, and it’s not the 35% chance of failure. It’s the fact that your dad could use this device against YOU. All of a sudden those semi-plausible answers to “Where were you?” “What were you doing?” become worthless. Worse yet is if your girlfriend’s dad gets one of these. If that happens you may want to invest in plane tickets to Antarctica or Kevlar.
[ Product Page ]
: Head Spa
From the site that sells this:
Alleviates stress and tension, relieve migraine pain, increase blood circulation, and enter a mode of relaxation with this revolutionary head massager.
This really doesn’t look like it would relieve stress. Cause stress, you bet. Mainly your dad would have the stress of having to actually wear that thing once to pretend to you that he likes it and that he isn’t going to write you out of his will.
Other than Halo fanboys, no one on earth would ever be caught wearing such a thing. The fact that the model in this image is seemingly 1. Naked with only one hand visible and 2. Looking intently at something out of camera view seems to mean that he probably has something else on his mind and that someone snuck up behind him and shoved that contraption on his head while he was distracted.
[ Product Page ]
: Multi-function Pen
To use an age old cliché, the pen is mightier than the sword, especially when the pen has 2 knives and a saw. The pen has 12 tools. Short and long cutting blades, a saw, Phillips and flat head screwdrivers, steel file, hole punch, wire stripper, scraper, tweezers, steel fork and of course and of course, an actual pen.
This is especially helpful to your dad if he happens to be in the special forces. That way he could kill a jungle rat with the knife, eat the rat with the fork and use it’s skin to write a letter home to your mom. But I’m sure that if your dad isn’t part of delta-force he can still find some good uses for the pen in a normal office setting.
And since this gadget is a similar style to the Swiss Army Knife let’s look at their idea of a good father’s day gift.
[ Product Page ]
: “The Only Complete Swiss Army Knife”
Swiss army knives can be pretty awesome tools. Instead of carrying a dozen tools you just carry one and they have true craftsmanship built into each one. But this version, the Guinness World record holder for most multifunctional penknife is a little too much.
With 87 tools and 120+ functions it’s got more stuff than you’ll ever need. But your dad will have to sort through all the stuff he doesn’t need to get to the attachment he actually does want to use.
There’s also the fact that this tool has a price tag of $1200. If you do love your dad enough to spend that much on something for him there are plenty of alternatives. The Multi-pen, it’s $13 and fits in your dad’s pocket without giving him a hernia.
: USB Mini-Vacuum for a Laptop.
Usually vacuum cleaners are one of the most impersonal gifts you can ever give. But this thing actually looks pretty cool. And at $10 this is a great way for your dad to keep his keyboard clean. With the increase in illnesses caused by unclean work places, this thing is not only neat, it can keep your dad healthier and possibly prolong his life. Really, after giving your dad a present like this all your siblings will have to hang their heads in shame, which is an added bonus.
Now if experience has taught me anything, and I know it hasn’t, it’s that getting your dad something he wants instead of getting something he needs is the best way to go. If it’s something he would buy himself anyways then all you’re doing is being the delivery boy. Whereas if you get him something he wants but never would get for himself, being the humble guy that he is*. So if none of these ideas appeals to you then use that idea to pick out something original for pops.
*Not really. It’s far more likely your sister got his credit card and he can’t buy anything for the next month.
Of course you’ve probably already picked out a great non-sock and non-tie related gift and are just using this article for ideas for next year. Just like me.
Uh, excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the store now for some, uh, milk.